Yet again, a long while has passed since being able to share my thoughts with you. No excuses, just simply - No Time!

Since December 11, 2007, I've been busy:

• 12/11/07 afternoon - started a new job at Jeffrey Robert Salon and Spa, as Guest Services Manager.
• 12/11/07 evening - My Beloved Grandmother Helen Haven, my Mom's Mom, passed away after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease.
• 12/15/07 - Holiday Pops Concert with Salisbury Singers and Thayer Symphony in Westminster, MA...The concert received a rave review!
• Christmas - including getting rear-ended on Rte. 20 the Thursday before...Gotta love a Christmas Auto Damage Claim!
• New Year's - low key and relaxing...THANKS BE TO GOD!
• Plastic Surgery Prep and Planning - March 5th is the date!!!
• Marting Luther King Day - Precious Lord take my hand, bring me home through the night!

A whirlwind!  Without a doubt. Good Times. Bad Times. Weak Moments. Moments of true Strength. Mistakes and Successes...Each with a positive outcome. Lessons, lots of lessons.

During the past few months, I have come to a deeper realization of the true change that has come over me during the last few years. I feel like it's all settling in and I am beginning to wrap my arms around the true person that I've become. For those you haven't been TiVo'ing my life or just caught wind...many events have changed who I am over the last 4 years or so.

1. My Dad passed away 6/19/04.
2. I had Gastric Bypass Surgery (GBS) 5/25/05. Since then losing more than 250 pounds. [picture]
3. Experienced three car accidents.
4. Changed careers - Life Insurance to the Beauty Industry - and keeping my service delivery and operations efficiency focus.
5. My Grandmother passed away 12/11/07.

Changed in a way that I wasn't expecting, you see --  I had no intention of changing.

• I would logically deal with my father's death - he had ravenous cancer and I helped him along in his last year learning plenty and loved the time that I spent with him. I was ready, I thought.
• I decided that I would be the best GBS patient ever! A decision that I made public and have worked quite hard to keep true to and in turn have benefited immensely.
• I have endured life changing events that were eye opening, now I mean eyes-popping-out-of-your-head eye opening!

Since my father's passing, I have become a person of words. I hit the dictionary more than once a day, sometimes ten times to write one email. I am always striving to find that one correct word. I remember preparing my his eulogy one evening in the spring of '04 feverishly typing and clicking my way through www.m-w.com to find just those three words that I would use to describe my father "A Man of Few Words." I did it...and my dear family, friends and those honoring Dad had a sneak peak into the tremendous relationship that I had with my best-friend and father.

Today's words are above (in the title of this post) and what I am realizing is this: I have grown smaller, need less and take note of/have deep feelings about/appreciate much more.

www.m-w.com says that change is to make different. I sit here changed, much to my current bliss, in ways that I never thought I would ever able to see myself differently. First, I am a listener. There was a time when I was the center of attention, the star of the show; now I tend to become so entranced with listening to others, that close friends ask, "Are you OK?" or "Are you upset?"

I simply reply - "I'm enjoying the conversation." Unfortunately, I find that a few of my regular compadres are bothered by my quietness and find it unfortunate and don't want to allow me to be quiet or on the sidelines watching the show. Funny enough, a few have resorted to poking fun or doing everything in their power to draw me into the center spotlight and when I retreat, anger and frustration builds within them. It's amazing to me how my own facial expression, one usually unknowingly set on my face, tells such a specific story to those who are looking in my direction. This is definitely a major part of my character. Most do not ask...they simply look at my face and they know my feelings or opinion and if I know they are looking...I tend to exaggerate a TINY bit.

The word alter expresses the ability to make different without changing into something else. Raise the hem on your pants, take in the waistline of your suit or the shoulders of a coat and you get a different look. Two inches in height, 38 inches on my waist and 20 inches on my chest has brought me to an entirely new level. Different looks is an understatement, in terms of my own self perception and the perception of others in regard to my current appearance. I am treated differently in terms of intelligence, sexual advances, idolized by some and thought a quitter by others. Generally speaking, I love who I am today and I hate that the world sees me as an entirely different person, even though I am entirely different and will admit that I have use my new appearance to my advantage. There are many who previously would have stopped and talked for a long while...I just walk on by. In as much as that is true I face another obstacle...feedback shows that for others, it seems that those who I was quite close to in years past are remarkably less happy with the "new" me. I often think about why actions occur before I react in word or step and a common theme has risen to the front of my mind and it is encapsulated it into the idea that I was once thought of/served as an accessory...an edifice to hide behind, a freak which made another more normal, a failure allowing others to more readily embrace mild successes, a clown sprinkling laughter amidst sorrows, the biggest shoulders around willing to take everyones' problems off of their backs. Then throwing myself aside and chasing after every other, now - mindfully carrying myself and tending my aware heart.

Journeying through a transformation [transform, to change the outward form or appearance of; to change in character or condition] that involves the body, mind and soul is difficult, to say the least. Divorcing entire food groups, thought processes and coping mechanisms is down right painful. Recent developments have taught me the true benefits of the workout/weightlifting "no pain, no gain" concept - in terms of having to stand alone in my own convictions. Changing one's outward appearance upsets everyone surrounding. I am intrigued to watch some of my friends quickly get back to healthier habits and others who are discouraged themselves, observing me, thinking that they won't be able to be as successful, losing sight of the fact that are in a far less dangerous time in their own lives, carrying less burden and stress. This is my opinion from my not so green front lawn.

Respectfully, I must note that we each endeavor to overcome unique obstacles every second, minute, hour, day, week, year and so on. I am enlightened in the understanding that we each add weight to our situation with different implements...some spoons others excavators.

Modifying [modify, to make less extreme; to make minor changes in] my own behavior opened many doors, affording me wonderful opportunities, opening the lines of communication with my new very much "in charge boss," welcoming people into my life, as a result of embracing their idiosyncrasies and inspiring them to move to a higher level. Being sought out and look to for input, rather than being looked at and discounted, based on stereotype, is delicious.

"Changing your own, not others' behavior" was a poignant statement presented as part of a two-day course (attended about two years ago) entitled, Communicating with Tact and Finesse: How to deal with Difficult People in Difficult Situations. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard a person say, "I can't change! I only know how to (fill-in-the-blank) one way."

I leave you with this short little lesson:

Lobby, Live or Leave:

• change yourself, ask for change based on measures to improve yourself, enhancing your efficiency or productivity - better yourself, grow.
• deal with the situation, knowing that you do your best.
• get out...your own health is more important...plan well and grow by leaps and bounds.

Peace. Move on with your metamorphose.